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 Twin Lakes Golf Association YOU ASKED FOR IT .... |
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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, "You looked up", or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some other similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag' can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker". LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to, will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset. |
~The score your opponent reports on any hole should always be regarded as their opening offer. ~Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie. ~A two-foot putt counts the same on the scorecard as a two-foot drive. ~The stages of golf are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse. ~The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole. ~It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size. ~If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up. ~It takes 17 holes to get warmed up. ~No golfer ever swung too slowly. ~No golfer ever played too fast. ~One birdie is a hot streak. ~Never take lessons from your father. ~Never teach golf to your partner. ~There are no little problems. ~There are no tiny changes. ~There are no small pieces of advice. ~The rake is always in the other trap. ~No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to play worse. ~Any change works for three holes. ~Never try to keep more than 100 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. ~The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. ~The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game. ~It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10. ~The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes. ~Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives. ~Confidence evaporates in the presence of water. ~It’s not a gimmie if you’re still away. ~Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. ~The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats. ~The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes. ~The rough will be mowed tomorrow. ~It never begins to rain on the 18th hole. ~It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing. ~You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. ~The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday. ~Out-of-bounds is always on the right. ~The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens. ~No one with funny head covers ever broke par. ~Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7. ~The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit. ~Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short. ~The number of tees in your bag is always less than 3 or more than 600. ~No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball. ~If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything. ~Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right. ~The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. ~You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. ~A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer. ~99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last. 01% will stop a golf ball dead. ~Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. ~To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 40 mph, handicap 15,downswing 600 mph. ~Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway. ~There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the glove. ~It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not too choosy about which fairway. ~Hazards attract; fairways repel. ~If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. `If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. ~Any change works for three holes. ~Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right. ~No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. ~When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. ~If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. ~Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. ~Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. ~If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. ~Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. ~An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse. ~If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game. ~Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. ~Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. ~It twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand. .....YOU ARE AT THE END OF THE GOLF HUMOR! THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD: GO PLAY GOLF AT TWIN LAKES GOLF COURSE!!  Twin Lakes Golf Course & Association 70 Elkway, Mountain Home, Arkansas 72653 (870) 425-2028© 2003-2008 & Developed & Managed by Agora Associates |